Saturday, January 26, 2013

Les Miserables

Alternate Title:  Misery:  The Musical

One sentence synopsis:  A convict breaks parole to try and better his life, while being pursued by a fanatical policeman.

Note from the Authorities:  We have no explanation for what happened here, and declaim all responsibility.  Those responsible have been sacked.  We regret nothing.

Things Havoc liked:

Sung to 'I Dreamed a Dream'

I saw a film in time gone by.
A film I saw with some misgiving.
The actors all were singing live.
A process which is unforgiving.

Samantha Barks and Ed Redmayne,
Both sing with passion and conviction.
Yet best of all is Hathaway
For whom the style is no restriction.

The design's exactly right,
Filthy extras grub and suffer.
All of which serves to impart
A sense of tragedy and pain...

A live-recording's best applied,
To choral songs of rousing thunder,
With these the film is well supplied
Though 'Red and Black's still kind of lame.

And through this film, I think I see,
Why some find opera such a pleasure.
A song done live will simply be,
More passionate than one at leisure.

I had a dream this film would be,
So different from my scared misgiving.
Much better than the crap I've seen,
It could have been the film I dreamed.

 Things Havoc disliked:  Sung to 'Do you hear the people sing?'
Do you hear the actors sing.
Singing their songs like crazy men.
It is the singing of some actors who should never sing again.
Jackman tries with all his heart.
But he just doesn't have the lungs.
It is enough to make you cringe when the music comes.

But the worst offense of all belongs to Russel Crowe's Javert.
What they thought when they were casting him, I'm simply unaware.
He sounds like a man with his testicles caught in a chair.

Oh the actors scream and cry,
Singing their songs as best they can,
But it's a simple fact: the songs are pitched too high for mortal man.
Jackman's tenor's fairly low.
Crowe is a bass or baritone.
Neither could ever hope to sing stuff like "Bring him home."

Even if we drop the singing, there's just no way to be kind
For whoever was directing Crowe, appears to have been blind.
He looks and he acts like he's terrified out of his mind.

Yes, I heard the actors sing,
But the result was just bizarre,
This is what happens when the film producers won't use ADR.
All the efforts of the cast
All are a waste of time and pluck,
There's only so much you can do when your leads both suck.

Final thoughts:
 Sung to 'One Day More'

One film more,
Another week, another travesty,
This never-ending search for quality.
All that I've ever tried to find's a movie that won't waste my time.
One film more.

I did not think before today,
I would pass up an easy target.

One film more.

And yet I think it was okay.
Although my praise is somewhat guarded.

One more film that's overblown
Not a critic's rant again...
One more film with flaws so glaring
Not as bad as some we've viewed
It will make you cringe and groan.
That one isn't even true
Make you wish you weren't there...

Do not go in misinformed
Do not go inside at all
It's a film of great ambition
But the quality's not there
Though it's flawed, it still has charm
It just wasn't made with care
If the play's your cup of tea...

The film's a cow
It worked for me!

One film more!

One more season of pollution
Crap is flowing in a flood.
Awful movies every winter,
It's enough to boil your blood!

Not all of them suck.
Some just hit a stall.
Never know your luck when e'er the curtain falls.
Find a golden flick,
There amidst the slime.
Some of the best movies land in Doldrum time.

Find a gem amidst the garbage.
Why persist in having hope?
So what if they couldn't sing?
So what if they couldn't sing!?
There's a new year just beginning
Yet another year's begun.
Who knows what the year will bring?

That's one film down, of fifty-two!

One film more!

If the film is not exciting,Every week another movie,
Wait a week and try again.Every week another chore.
Maybe one day we will find one,Why go into all this effort,
Worth a score of ten for ten.When the film is just a bore?

One film more!

Who can tell what next arises?One more season of Pollution,
Who knows what we soon will see?Crap is flowing in a flood.
All the best films in creation...Awful movies every winter...

About this film, we've had our say,
Tomorrow is another day.

Tomorrow we discover what Two Thousand Thirteen has in store.

One more day,
One more film,

One. Film. More...

Final Score:  6.5/10

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