Monday, February 2, 2015

The Worst Films of 2014

... I have no explanation for what happened here. Perhaps it was that the act of watching these rancid wastes of my valuable time has driven me completely mad, or perhaps I felt the need to counter the lack of effort proposed by these films with some actual effort of my own. Or perhaps I just wanted an excuse to troll you all. In any event, you have all been asking where my worst-of-the-year list is, and now you shall receive it. God have mercy on your souls.

The Worst Movies of 2014... IN SONG!!!

Immense thanks due to Benjamin Allen for his unflagging assistance in coming up with these over the last couple months. And way to live the stereotype.

Note:  Since there seems to be some confusion on this subject, there are links to the music for each song located just beneath the title.  The titles themselves will link you to the reviews in question.

Sung to “Don’t Stop Believing”

Just a movie fan,
Tryin’ to do the best I can.
Although the trailers lied to me all year long.

There was a lot of good
From indie films or Hollywood
But there’s a handful still where it all went wrong.

A critic in a darkened room
Watching films in mounting gloom
Endless piles of cinematic blight, running on and on and on and on...

Bad films
All year
Made me question God’s benev’lance
Left me
Screaming in the niiiiiiiiight

One list
Of ten films...
What the hell let’s do eleven!
Make their
Authors learn to write!

I saw these films, of my own free will
And each one raised an urge to kill
They ranged in quality from useless crap, to film-based crime.

Some made me mad, some made me snooze
And some were just too damn confused
A bad film just never ends, it goes on and on and on and on...

Praised them
Called them all ‘robust and daring’
Is all that I can ciiiiite

But I won’t
Permit them
To get away with audience torture
Time to
Set this year to right!

Don’t stop, Believing!
Just avoid the screening!
Trust me, I would never lieeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Don’t stop! Believing!
Listen to my screaming!
They’ll make you gouge out your eyyyyyyyyyyes!

Don’t stop! Believing!
Hold onto your reason!
Every film here went awryyyyyyyy!
Don’t stop! Believing...      11: Godzilla

Poor Unfortunate Fans
(Sung to “Poor Unfortunate Souls”)

I admit that in the past these films were awful
They weren’t kidding when they whined in ‘98
But now that Emmerich’s gone
We can lead you all along
And use some grainy trailers as our bait. True? Well…

Yes it’s true that I don’t have a lot of filmcraft
It’s a talent that I never have possessed
But I’ve got a lovely staff
Who have shown me on a graph
How to hoodwink money out of the obsessed

Poor unfortunate fans!
In pain! In need!
This one wants to see Godzilla
That one wants to wreck Japan
And do I help them?
No indeed.

Those poor unfortunate fans!
So sad! So true!
They come flocking to the movies
Crying “Kaiju, Toho, please!”
And do I help them?
Why, would you?

We use monsters as a spice
And we’re really quite precise
Seven seconds every hour, that’s the plan
See the trailer’s just a feint
So we can kick them in the taint
All those poor unfortunate fans!

“Come one, come all! See the latest Kaiju film!”

“If I go see your movie, Mr. Director, will I get to see Godzilla?”

“Well there’s certainly a chance that you will! Life is full of surprises! Oh but there’s one more thing. We haven’t discussed the subject of Extreme Digital Cinema!”

“But I don’t want to - “

“We’re not asking much! Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it! What I want from you is ALL YOUR MONEY!”

“But without my money, Mr. Director, how will I…”

You’ll get a job. Perhaps a loan?
And don’t underestimate the importance of

Directing films requires lots of cheddar.
And bilking you is what our job is for
So we feel you must be spurred
After all, you’re just a nerd.
And if we pissed upon your face you’d ask for more.

We only shot enough to make a trailer
We’ve got less than ninety seconds in the can
Even if you think it’s wrong
We’ll still treat you as a pawn
Giving people what they want is not the plan

Come on you poor unfortunate fans
Scream and cry! Write a blog!
I’m a Hollywood director
And I haven’t got all day
For I have a piece of crap I have to flog

You poor unfortunate fans!
It’s sad, but true!
I would show you more Godzilla in the 90-minute span
But the film needs human interest if it’s going to show at Cannes
If it’s monsters that you wanted, you can find them in Japan!
You poor unfortunate FAAAAAAAAANS!

10: The Taking of Tiger Mountain

The Same Old Film
(Sung to “A Whole New World”)

China’s banner’s unfurled
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, readers, now when did
We last make a film this bad?

I will open their eyes
Take them blunder by blunder
Tear this movie asunder
Warn you all to run and hide.

The same old film
A 1950s point of view
Nobody told them no
Or where to go
To find a muse worth stealing

The same old film
Without a single thing that’s new
But as I’m sitting here
It’s crystal clear
That they just made The Green Berets anew
They just made the Green Berets anew!

Unremarkable sights
Indecipherable screaming
Nothing slightly redeeming, just a bad film Sinicized

The same old film
You should just close your eyes
As lively as a cup of tea
No it’s not getting better

I s’pose it’s not bizarre
To see how far
They go to glorify the PRC

The same old film
Not a single surprise
It’s propaganda through and through
Every moment dead letter

Nothing but opera glares
At which to stare
Don't let them share the same old film with you

The same old film
The same old film
That’s where you’d be
That’s where you’d be
To it you’d race
And be debased
If not for me…

9: Draft Day

One Giant Turd
(Sung to “Part of Your World”)

Look at this film
Doesn’t it suck
Who did they think would
Be giving a fuck
Didn’t they know football fans
Don’t care about all this crap

Look at this script
Fifty years old
How many cliches
Can one movie hold?
Watching this film you would think
Wow, it’s a piece of shit.

We’ve got one Jenny Garner too many
And there’s family drama galore
You want football in this?
Go watch cable.

Cause who cares?
No big deal!
Who's this for?

I wanted Hard Knocks in movie form
I came to see, Dennis Leary cursing
Hoping I’d get to see - What do you call those? Oh - Games
‘Will they or won’t they’ won’t get too far
Writers are needed for decent scripting
Making a movie with - What’s that word again? - Skill

Was Reitman drunk?
Faced with a gun?
Did he just spend too long in the sun?
Couldn’t he see?
This film would be
One giant turd

This movie skimps, gives us one glimpse, of Arian Foster
Burstyn and Frank just walked to the bank, with nothing to do.
They thought we could stand, even demand, to see more Kevin Fucking Costner
What you’re hearing
Isn’t cheering
It’s cries of the damned.

There are some things I just have to know
How did the Ghostbusters guy make this shit?
What did they do to make Reitman - What’s the word - Fail?

Fetch me my flail!
For I would love
To rain down blows on them from above
Laughing with glee
Finally free
From this great Tuuuuuuuuuuuuurd.

8: The Expendables 3

I Saw Some Films
(Sung to “I Dreamed a Dream”)

There was a time when films were great
When the shots were crisp
And the action awesome

There was a time when Arnold ruled
And Stallone was the man
And their films were exciting

There was a time.

Then it all went wrong...

I saw some films in times gone by
Films full of gunfire, fights and killing
I watched a thousand villains die
In manners awesome and fulfilling

But over time the movies strayed
Bad films were made and talents wasted
There were no refunds to be paid
Effects and actors both grew dated

Now these films are just a blight
The whole genre torn asunder
They no longer have a heart
Make the actors die of shame.

Expendables once had some pride
The second film was full of wonder
But this time round they barely tried!
And can no longer duck the blame

It seems that Sly just cannot see
That some things just don’t go together
You cannot make these films PG
And then expect them to get better

I had a dream this film would be
A spectacle well worth reliving
A masterpiece to reign supreme!
But this film killed that dream I dreamed.

7: The Monuments Men

The Monuments Men
(Sung to “The Candyman Can”)

Monuments Men! Monuments Men!
Alright everybody, gather round! The Monuments Men are here!

What kind of movie you want? Realistic drama? Slapstic-heavy comedy? War crimes? Anything you want!
We pushed it back to February, and now here’s the Monuments Men!

Here’s a shitty movie
(Here’s a shitty movie)
Yes, we’ve seen a few
(Yes, we’ve seen a few)
With Clooney, Damon, Murray, and a Ballaban too
It’s all a scam
(It’s all a scam)
The Monuments Men
(The Monuments Men)
The Monuments Men is a wretched sappy film that turns your brain to wood
(Turns your brain to wood)

Nazis stole your artwork
(Nazis stole your artwork)
Right out of Versailles
(Right out of Versailles)
But don’t tell anybody, certainly not the allies
Cause that’s a plan
(Cause that’s a plan)
The Monuments Men
(The Monuments Men)
The Monuments Men are a bunch of thieving dicks who’ll fuck your artwork good.
(Fuck your artwork good)

The writers are flakes
Who took too many breaks
None of them at all ambitious
Such a total mess I got suspicious
Wonder if it’s not malicious

Did they find it funny?
(Did they find it funny?)
This malignant team
(This malignant team)
Or was it all a drama meant to tug at the heartstring
Who gives a damn?
(Who gives a damn?)
The Monuments Men
(The Monuments Men)
The Monuments Men was an awful crappy film, that makes Godzilla look good
(Makes Godzilla look good)

Background shots are fakes
And there aren’t any stakes
It all just gets repetitious
Trailer shots were all fictitious
Starts to feel like it’s pernicious

What a total trainwreck
(What a total trainwreck)
Makes me want to scream
(Makes me want to scream)
You might want to run away and pray its all a dream
I’ll understand
(I’ll understand)
The Monuments Men
(The Monuments Men)
The Monuments Men made me doubt a loving god as anybody would.
(Anybody would)
The Monuments Men wasn’t made with any care or even understood.
(Even understood)

The critics ran
The critics ran
The critics ran
(And you all really should)

The critics ran
The critics ran
The critics ran
(And you all really should)

6: Interstellar

(Sung to “Be Prepared”)

I know Nolan's powers of illusion
Are as strong as the Man of Steel's hide
But here in this film, an intrusion
Of plot holes a half-parsec wide.

It's clear from their vacant expressions
The audience is saying their prayers
Were these physics written by children?
And the editors all locked downstairs?

Interstellar, a film made of saccharine
Filled with writing that fails to amuse
A monstrous error, a physicists' terror
Should trigger a seizure, but here it's a feature.

Now Nolan's been thwarted
By a screenplay so torpid
It requires assistance from booze.
Thus a film without question declared:

"Unprepared? It's not unprepared! What's wrong?"

"How about that crop blight they go on about?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"They forgot about it halfway through the movie! And never resolved it in the climax!"

"Who cares?! It's science fiction, we don't need logic! You're just a hater! Hater! Hater! Na na na na na!"

"Idiots! Did you even listen to them talking about quantified love?"

"But love is - "

" - NOT AN ASPECT OF ASTROPHYSICS! It's decisions like this that ruined Dark Knight Rises!"


"Well the haters can hate all they want to.
But at least this one won't leave you bored!"

It's true, they found some shots worth showing.
But five minutes of Cosmos has more.

And speaking of Neil deGrasse Tyson,
I know he's a space devotee.
But given his praise I must ask him
'What part of this film did YOU see?!'

So prepare, for a script full of corn cobs
Be prepared, for a science-free sham
Disastrous pacing,
Illogic embracing,
Calamitous writing,
Chris Nolan inciting
A flop, undisputed, rejected, refuted
By legions of pissed would-be fans!
Interstellar: Stupidity squared

I’d be more mad if only I cared
      5: Snowpiercer

Let Them Know
(Sung to “Let It Go”)

The light shines bright in the screening tonight
Not a viewer to be seen.
A movie brought from Korea
And without one decent scene

The critics howl about its virtues from on high
What was it they saw? Or did they just lie?

Dont let them in, don’t let them see
This shitty movie, this cultural debris
Warn everyone, they all must know
That this film blows!

Let them know!
Let them know!
They can’t lie about it anymore!

Let them know!
Let them know!
Lock and barricade the door!

I don’t care
What the critics say!
Let the curtains fall.
Snowpiercer should not see the light of day

Its stunning how bad writing
Makes Hurt and Evans suck.
Though the film has pretty pictures
I just couldn’t give a fuck!

The plot’s as flimsy as bamboo
The pacing sucks, the sound mix too.
The editor’s an absentee
Kill me!

Let them know!
Let them know!
Bong Joon-Ho made this while high

Let them know!
Let them know!
There can be only one reply

Lock it up
Throw the key away
Ship it to Iran…

The bad guys sound like stupid versions of Ayn Rand
They watch their soldiers slaughtered all while screaming “Just as planned!”
The critics think this challenges our sense of Class.
They mean this earnestly. They all can kiss my ass!

Let them know!
Let them know!
It’s like watching the second Tron.

Let them know!
Let them know!
The whole film’s a monstrous con.

I’ve had more
Fun with Michael Bay!
You can mark my words
If this wins awards there’ll be hell to pay.

4: Gone Girl

(Sung to “Paparazzi”)

It drew in a crowd
And the critics were loud
Got an A+ review
So what else could I do?
Paid the ticket price
Hoping to see something nice.

Affleck and Pike
Were as good as I’ve seen
Even managed to like
Tyler freaking Perry
It looked awful nice
Calculated to entice
Pulled the wool over my eyes

Would have been a fan, but then you pulled this bullshit on me:
Raving misogyny!
Every single woman in the film is batshit crazy
Raving misogyny!

I might not even mind
But when the men are saints, I draw the line
Faking rape and framing men for murder: oh how edgy!
Raving misogyny!

And the newswoman shrew
Psychotic in-laws
What’s a poor man to do
But find jail-bait
Cause Affleck’s just too nice to hate

The media’s dumb
As I’d never have guessed
And they make his life hell
As do all of the rest
Of the imbeciles
Hypocrites with brittle smiles
And then there’s the psycho wife!

Masterwork of acting wasted on this bullshit hackneyed
Raving Misogyny!
This movie’s so bad, it reads like MRA fantasy
Raving Misogyny!

You’d have to be blind
To not see what this movie has in mind
It’s enough to get me talking about patriarchy!
Raving Misogyny!

This script reads like AM radio
Yet critics performed felatio
Called it - 'second to none'
Some even ranked it number one!

I’m not sure this film is bad so much as makes me angry
Raving Misogyny!
I can’t praise a film where every woman is a harpy
Raving Misogyny!

The one girl who is fine
Gets promoted to guy and told to whine
I don’t go to films so 4-chan can get dropped upon me
Raving Misogyny!

3: The Judge

Don't See The Judge
(Sung to “The Mob Song”)

You’re not safe while this film plays
It will stalk you in the night
Set to rend your brain to putty like a flesh-consuming blight
It’s a film whose very presence gives you Hepatitis B
So it’s time to listen to my blog, it’s time... for... you... to... flee!

In the dark, in the night, in the basement of a studio
The writers had an orgy with Cliches

In their lair, of despair, they wrote teenage-level screenplays
Filled with symbolism they thought would amaze

It’s The Judge! It’s a film, made of stupid
One that smashes your brain to a smudge

Hear the audience groan
As they whine, bitch and moan
Till they’re dead! Good and dead! Don’t see The Judge!

“No! I won’t let you make Duvall look this bad!”

“You just don’t understand art! Lock up all the negative critics! We can’t have them running off to warn the audience, now can we?”

“Let us out! And stop casting Vincent D’onofrio!”

“We’ll draw the audience in with Robert Downey Jr! Who’s with me?!”

Find a rock, catch a plane
Keep away from any movie house
That dares to play this awful pile of shit

Run and hide, pray to God
Hope the trailers never find you
If you have to stoop to arson, we’ll acquit

It’s a film twice as bad as The Eagle
Filled with trope-laden hack-written sludge

Heed my words, do not go
Or you shall, come to know
Just how much a film can blow

“We’ll blind the critics with symbolism and rake in the box office receipts!!!”

“No! I have to warn the viewers! This is all my fault! I praised Wedding Crashers and now Dobkin’s gone completely mad!”

I don’t like, when a film
Treats me like a mental patient
One that shits on me and tells me that it’s fudge

All the trailers were lies
And if I ever see these guys
I’ll re-enact Lord of the Flies!
Don’t see The Judge!

“I knew it… I knew it was foolish to get my hopes up. It would have been better if Duvall had retired after Crazy Heart.

“My god, this film is awful! Embarrassing! And they wasted Billy-Bob Thornton! Warn the audience! If it’s crap like this they release, then I’ll give them a piece of my mind! Who’s with me?!”

“Write whatever crappy dialogue you like, but remember, MORE SYMBOLISM!!!”

I will not stand aside
While they peddle films this rancid
Call me crazy or just say I’ve got a grudge

It’s the same, tired song
And it’s two hours too long
A film where everything went wrong!
Don’t see The Judge!

2: The Railway Man

I Will Make Railway Man Just For You
(Sung to “I’ll Make a Man out of You”)

Let’s get down to business
To distort the truth
Make the Killing Fields
As done by, Don Bluth

It’s the saddest script I’ve ever read
But you can bet before we’re through
I will make, Railway Man, just for you.

Saccharine as soda
And no truth within
Lure them with the trailer
And we’re sure to win

We’re a spineless, hack, pathetic lot
And we haven’t got a clue
But we’ll make, Railway Man, just for you.

The writers don’t know what to do
Just a pair of guys who blew me
Now they wrote me up a script that’s dull as sin

The audience is half-asleep
Already demanding refunds
Box office receipts are starting to look grim

(The Railway Man!)
Our history just will not deliver

(The Railway Man!)
It makes the characters great buffoons.

(The Railway Man!)
We watered down everything that happened
You’ll find better acting with Rocket Raccoon!

The critics are all coming
Soon they will arrive
Can’t we pay them all off?
So we might survive?

All we did was buy cocaine and whores
With this flop, we might be through
Cause we made, Railway Man, just for you

(The Railway Man!)
Who knew this film would make critics shiver?

(The Railway Man!)
We thought the subject made us immune

(The Railway Man!)
This movie wasted Firth and Sanada
It could have been written by drunk, stoned, baboons.

(The Railway Man!)
We promised things that we can’t deliver

(The Railway Man!)
We wrote this script in an afternoon

(The Railway Man!)
We couldn’t handle a god damn war crime
There’s been better plots in Daffy Duck cartoons!

And the number one worst movie of 2014 is...

1: Under the Skin

(Sung to “Hellfire”)

Oh great Roger Ebert
You know I am an Indie fan
Of my ventures I am justly proud

Et tibit pater

Oh great Roger Ebert
You know my tastes are better than
The common vulgar weak licentious crowd

Quia peccavi nimis

Then tell me, oh Ebert
Why I saw this horrid film
Why ScarJo did scarify my soul?


Not film but, a war crime
the editors were barely there
the run-time spiraled out of all control!

Like fire
Why did I sit therein?
There’s no plot
Or acting

Its not my fault (Mea culpa!)
I’m not to blame (Mea culpa!)
Its that Johansson girl. Avengers set the stage (Mea maxima culpa!)

Its not my fault (Mea culpa!)
T’was casting’s plan (Mea culpa!)
They made me hope so much, I paid the ticket maaaaaaaan!

Protect me, Oh Ebert!
Please tell me that my cellphone works
Don’t let time stop and imprison me here
Destroy John Glazer!
And let him make Asylum Films!
Or else annihilate his whole career.

“My General, the reports are in, the critics loved it.”
“They called it absorbing and mesmerizing. Said they wanted to cheer. Best film of the Venice festival!”
“But… but how? It… Never mind. Get out, you sycophant! I’ll show them! I’ll show them all if I have to incinerate Great Britain and hang Glazer from Big Ben!!”

Dark Fire!
Please say it can begin!
Send me to
The pyre
Just not Under The Skin

(Kyrie Eleison)
Have no mercy on him
(Kyrie Eleison)
Save your mercy for me

I do not fear Hell
I fear

Thank you, everyone, for reading along with this lunatic project.  I hope you've found something useful over the course of these reviews, and that just maybe I've been able to provide a bit of amusement here and there.  Next week, we'll start the process all over again for another year at the movies, a year of Star Wars, Avengers, of Indie darlings and thunderous disappointments.  Another year full of promise and hidden danger.  Another year of the movies.

I'll see you all there.

1 comment:

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